Longest Night
by impossibleboy1990
Summary: Eddie and Pats decide to drop acid.


Edina Monsoon sat across the kitchen table from Emma Bunton. She had a fag in one hand, the smoke lazily billowing through the air. Emma scowled in disgust, waving her hand in front of her face to try to waft the smoke away from her.

"Could you not smoke around me, please?" she said, irritation heavy in her voice.

Eddie scoffed and mashed the fag out in the ashtray. "Smoking doesn't kill you, you know. Look at me. I'm…" she cut off as she realized that she was older than she cared to admit, certainly not to some prissy little pop diva.

"Exactly," Emma muttered under her breath. _Why I even let her do my PR?_ she asked herself. Truth was, in all the time that Edina had done her PR, nothing massive had been done for her. Edina was not really good at her job. _Saffy,_ Emma answered herself. _I do it for Saffy_. _Poor girl._

Emma had gone to school with Edina's daughter, Saffron. HowSaffy had turned out so well with an alcoholic, neurotic , pathetic excuse for a mother was beyond Emma. What Saffy's home life must have been like! Emma shuddered at the thought.

"All right, Baby Bunton…" Eddie started.

" _Emma_ ," Emma corrected frustratedly. "My name is Emma. Not Baby. Baby Spice was my Spice Girls personality. In case you haven't noticed, the Spice Girls haven't been a band in years."

Eddies shook her head. "What are you talking about, darling? That one you Spicies put out last year was absolutely fabulous!"

"What single?"

 _"Salute, salute!"_ Eddie _s_ ang off-key.

Emma slammed her palms down on the table. "That was Little Mix!" she exclaimed.

"Really?" Eddie blinked. "Sounded just like you lot, darling."

"Not even close."

Emma had had enough. She stood and slung her purse over her shoulder

"Yeah? Well, you suck!" Eddie cried after her, kicking her chair over.

"Bite me," Emma said, starting up the stairs. She paused half-way and turned back. "And I'd have this place cleaned before Saffy comes home tomorrow if I were you." With that, she disappeared up the stairs.

The room was littered with full ash trays, empty alcohol bottles, and dirty dishes were piled up on every surface available.

Eddie's eyes bugged out of her head. Tomorrow? No, it couldn't be! It couldn't be time for Saffy to come home from Africa already! "Pats!" she cried at the top of her lungs.

There was a loud crash from upstairs, then the door opened and Patsy shambled down. "What? What is it, sweetie?" Patsy croaked.

"What's the date, darling?" Eddie asked, pacing back and forth fretfully.

"What date? I'm not ready for a date! Let me go get my spanks, sweetie. I need to hold everything up."

"What _day_ is it, darling!?" she demanded fiercely.

"How should I know?"

Eddie groaned and threw herself down at the table. She screamed and started banging her head on the table dramatically.

Patsy came down the stairs and lit up a fag. She poured herself a glass of champagne and knocked it back in one swig. "What are you wailing for, Eds?" she asked.

"She'll be here tomorrow, Pats," Eddie whined.

"Who?"

"Saffy, darling."

Patsy sat ram-rod straight. "Oh, no. Not _her,_ Eddie!"

Patsy absolutely loathed Eddie's daughter Saffron. She hated her for all of the attention the little bitch troll from hell had stolen away from her. She was Eddie's best mate. Her! Saffy was just a leach, a parasite.

"Yes, darling."

"I thought we'd finally got rid of her!"

"She just went to Africa to visit Lola, remember?"

Patsy stared blankly off into space for a second. "Who's Lola?"

"My grand-daughter! Lola!"

"Oh. I thought you'd finally told her to piss off."

"I can't, Pats. She owns the house now, remember?"

"Oh, bollocks! It's your house, Eddy. You're the parent."

"That means nothing now."

"You're the one that birthed her like an old, fat sow and ruined your body. The least she can do is let you have the house."

Eddie slammed her hands on the table. "Oh, God! How are we going to have the house clean before tomorrow?"

"Who cares?" Patsy demanded, taking a drag on her fag. "Don't worry about her. Think of this way, Eddie. If she comes home and the house is a mess, she won't want it. She'll go back to Gabon or wherever and finally leave us alone!"

Eddie looked at Patsy for a few seconds before a grin broke out on her face. "Oh, Pats! You're a genius!"

"Simple logic," Patsy shrugged it off.

Eddie got up and grabbed the open bottle of champagne. "You look like you need a drink, darling. Here." She poured Patsy a glass.

"Cheers, sweetie!"

Eddie poured herself one and they clinked glasses. "I've let her run my life for too long! Well, no more! I am a grown woman!"

"Yes, you are! Sixty-four!"

"Shhhhhh!" Eddie hissed. "We don't shout it out, darling."

"So, what are you going to tell her when she gets here?" Patsy pressed.

"I'm going to tell her to piss off!" Eddie yelled triumphantly.

"Yeah, babe!" Patsy clapped. "You know what we should do to celebrate?"

"What?"

"Have some stoli!"

"Well, if you insist…"

 _Two Hours Later…_

Eddie and Patsy lay on the floor, their hair standing on end, their makeup smeared and streaming down their faces.

"She's a bitch" Eddie slurred. "Treating me like a child! I am an adult!" She stuck her tongue out and blew a raspberry. "I'm the parent."

"Yes, you are," Patsy agreed, lighting up a spliff and taking a hit.

"I'm fat because of her, darling!" Eddie gestured at her overweight body. "I have tried every diet to come along since I've had her. Nothing works! I know it's not my fault! I have loads of self-control! It was her!"

"Yeah!" Patsy agreed energetically.

"I'm gonna tell her, I am. I'm going to say, "listen up, little miss pram face, it's my house. I paid for it. Get the hell out!"

"Go for it, Eddie. I've never liked her! All she's done is whine and frown at us, all prim and proper. I'm surprised a man ever wanted to touch her. Probably keeps an electric fence around so it no one can get in. Are you even sure that baby is hers?"

"Yes, darling. Don't you remember her waddling around here like a big, fat swine?"

"I must have blocked it. You know I don't see straight when I do coke. I once mistook that Harry Styles boy for Mick Jagger. We used to have good times, me and Mick."

"Who does she think she is throwing me out of my own house!?"

"Are you still whining about that, dear?" a familiar voice asked.

Both Eddie and Patsy looked up to see Edina's mother standing over them. She was exceptionally agile for her age. Neither woman knew for certain how old Mrs. Monsoon was, but she had to be in her nineties.

"Oh, it's you!" Eddie rolled her eyes dramatically. "They haven't put you six feet under yet?"

"That was such a lovely program," Mrs. Monsoon said with a sweet smile. "I watched it on the HBO."

"HBO, not _the_ HBO, you stupid old woman!"

Mrs. Monsoon looked down at the two obviously inebriated women. "Oh, hello, Patsy, dear. I didn't see you there."

"Hi, Mrs. M." Patsy always showed respect to Mrs. Monsoon. Growing up, Mrs. Monsoon had been the closest thing to a mother that she'd had. Her own mother had been too busy having orgies and drinking herself into a stupor.

"And what have you two girls been up to, eh? Looks like a laugh. "

"Why are you here?" Edina asked, fumbling to her feet.

"I came to get the house tidied up for tomorrow, dear. Saffy's coming home, don't you remember?"

"She's not coming home," Eddy muttered. "I've thrown her out."

Mrs. Monsoon either didn't hear her daughter or chose to ignore her. "I can't wait to hear how things are going for her in the harem."

"Bloody bigamists," Eddie said, swaying unsteadily on her platform heels. "One's never enough, is it? Have to have all the fanny at their disposal."

"Greedy bastards." Patsy tried to get to her feet, but barely made it off her haunches. Eddie grabbed her under the arms and pulled her up. "Cheers, thanks a lot."

Mrs. Monsoon starting humming merrily as she ran some dish water. Eddie flicked her cigarette ash in it. "You're wasting your time, you know!"

"Whatever you say, dear. "

Eddie mimed strangling her mother. "I ought to have you carted off with the bins."

Edina's stomach gurgled loudly. "When was the last time I ate, darling?" asked Patsy.

"Twenty minutes ago," Patsy replied, blowing a stray strand of her bangs out of her eyes.

"I'm starving, sweetie. Shall we order a pizza? Pizza sounds lovely, doesn't it?"

"I haven't eaten since 2003."

"Right, right. Well, more for me."

Eddie found her purse by the table and drunkenly searched for her mobile. After a few seconds of searching, she lost her patience and dumped the purse's contents onto the table. There, scattered amongst several invites to fancy premiers and bubble gum wrappers, was her mobile. She punched in some numbers and waited.

"PJ's Pizzeria," a cheery female voice said.

"Tone it down, will you? No need to be so chipper, darling."

"What can I get for you?"

"I want a large pizza. Make than an extra large. Lots and lots of cheese. I want so much cheese that I won't have a bowel movement for a year, understand?"

"Lots and lots of cheese," the girl repeated.

"And I want it delivered." She gave the girl her address. "Bye."

Patsy sidled up to Edina, a mischievous grin on her face. "I've just had an idea, Eddie."

"What, darling?"

"Remember that time we did acid?"

"I completely blacked out, darling. I woke up in a pig sty. Literally. My clothes were gone and I had both my nipples pierced."

"We should do some acid tonight, Eddie."

"Oh, darling, I don't know….."

"Please, Eddie?" Patsy jutted out her lower lip and sweetened her tone, batting her eyes.

Edina looked at her and sighed. "Oh, all right. But we are staying in tonight. I'm not waking up in Scandinavia missing my kidney."

"I have some upstairs. I'll go get it and bring it back."

Patsy scurried up the steps.

Edina lit up a fag and sat down at the table. Doing acid wouldn't be so bad. She'd do it, then have some pizza to pad her stomach, and it wouldn't affect her as bad. Maybe she could give some to her mother….it'd be hilarious to see her mother tripping.

Patsy came back down the stairs and sat down next to Eddie. "Here's to us, babe!" she said, handing Edina a little piece of paper. "Bottoms up."

"Are you eating paper again, Edwina? You haven't done that in years," her mother noted, watching from across the kitchen.

"Do your dishes," Eddie barked. "Leave us be, woman!"

"Too more Saffy!" Patsy interrupted.

Both women opened their mouths and deposited the acid underneath their tongues. They waited about ten minutes until the paper had mostly dissolved.

"Eugh!" Eddie gasped, spitting. "That was minging!"

"I didn't taste it," Patsy replied.

"How long does it take to set it?" Eddie asked.

"An hour at most."

"So, what do we do until then?"

"What we always do, sweetie." Patsy sipped her champagne.

"Oh, darling, I forgot to tell you," Edina remembered. "I booked us that spa weekend at the end of month."

"Fabulous."

"They have a new massage I want to try. They stretch you out as far as you can stand."

"Sounds wonderful."

"They say it makes you taller."

"Doctors today are so much more intelligent than when were young, Eds. If you were short, they gave you lifts."

"Yeah, or heels. Bloody charlatans."

"Now if only they could find a way to make you thin, Eddie. That'd be a real medical miracle."

"Yeah." The smile vanished from Edina's face, but she didn't say anything. Patsy had a way of the taking the piss out of her. "What's taking them so long with the pizza, darling, I'm starving!"

"It's only been five minutes, Eddie," Patsy pointed out.

There was the sound of hurried footsteps on the stairs and Bubble, Eddie's personal assistant appeared. She was wearing what would have been a fashionable scarf if not for the fact that it was made from a doily; she wore a pair of short shorts with leggings underneath. Her leggings were tucked into oversized converse, and she wore a baker boy cap on top of her head.

"What are you doing here?" Edina asked, exhaling a cloud of smoke.

"Had a message for you," Bubble replied in her heavy Lancashire accent.

"Well?" Eddie pressed.

Bubble cocked her head to the side. "Ummmmm….I forgot."

"You're bloody useless."

"Oh, yeah!" Bubble squealed. "She quit."

"Quit? Who quit?"

"The blonde one.

"Blonde one?"

"Yeah. Her hair. Duh." Bubble rolled her eyes as if Edina were the twat, not herself.

"What blonde woman? Bubble, concentrate, you idiot."

"Young one, she was. Very young."

"What?"

"You had one. Long time ago."

"What is she on about?" Eddie asked Patsy.

"Hell if I know." Patsy sounded as if she could have cared less.

"Cries a lot. Shits itself."

"A baby?"

"Yeah! Baby."

"Baby?" Realization sunk in. "Oh, that bitch!"

"What?" Patsy asked.

"Little Baby Bunton decided to fire me, darling."

"What? How can she?"

"I don't know, Pats."

"You made her famous."

"Well, I tried…."

"Forget her, Eddie. There are more celebrities out there in need of your expertise."

"Thank you, darling. I still have Twiggy and Queen Noor."

"I'll drink to that!" Patsy downed another flute of champagne.

Edina turned back to Bubble. "Bubble, did you laundry done, darling?"

"I washed it," Bubble confessed.

"Where is it, then?"

Bubble's face fell. "Oh, no!"

"What?"

"I left it at the cleaner's'!"

"Out!" Eddie shouted.

Bubble screamed at the top of her lungs and bolted up the stairs. Her screams could be heard until she was a few blocks down the road.

Edina shook her head and stopped. She gasped. She could see little prisms of light and rainbows! "Look, Pats!"

Patsy looked. "Looks like the acid has set in." Her voice was different; it was guttural, almost demonic.

Eddie looked at Patsy and her hand flew to her mouth. Patsy was sporting a Hitler-esque moustache. Twin horns jutted out from under her bouffant hairdo, and a tail slithered up and twitched over her shoulder.

"What?" the creepy voice asked.

Eddie shook her head vehemently, afraid to say anything.

The buzzer went off, cutting through the tension. Eddie got up and went over to the receiver. There was a blonde woman at the door. "I'll be right up," she said. Did her voice always sound so high? She sounded like a chipmunk from a children's cartoon.

She started up the stairs, her legs suddenly very heavy. She grabbed the banister and pulled herself up. She looked ahead and saw that the staircase went on for miles. "Bloody hell," she panted.

The staircase started to wind around itself, quaking as Eddie made her way higher and higher. She could barely breathe. _The air must be thinner up here,_ she rationalized. _I must be high up in the air. Hope I don't get hit by a plane!_

Edina continued up the stairs for what seemed like hours. Eventually, her feet started to hurt, so she kicked off her shoes and padded up on her stockinged feet.

The higher she got, she noticed that the steps started to change colors. When she stepped on one, it squeaked. _That's a fabulous idea,_ she mused. _I'll have to remember that one._

She turned back the way she had come. "Pats!" she called. Her voice echoed several times. Hadn't Patsy been following her?

Eddie turned around again, and her heart leapt into her throat.

Patsy's two horns were inches away from her. "Christ, Eddie, what's taking you so long? You've wandering around for ages," Patsy growled.

"I, erm…"

Patsy kept walking. Edina gulped and followed.

Once she cleared the stairs, she balked as she saw that the corridor had been transformed into a rainforest. Boa constrictors peered out from between leaves at her, their tongues flicking in the air. Overhead, toucans soured by _ca-cawin_ g wildly. Eddie blanched as a sloth lazily ascended a tree limb beside her. It looked at her with her face.

She forced a path through the trees and came out at the door, but it wasn't a door. It was a void with bright white light seeping out.

Heart racing, she reached into the white light and the woman stepped through. The light faded and Eddie dropped to her knees. "Madonna!" she gasped.

The woman at her door was Madonna!

"Um….pizza?" Madonna said, brows knit.

"I have been waiting years for this!" Edina knelt before the pop goddess.

"It's only been half an hour."

"It's been longer than that, darling! I've been looking for you since the 80s!"

"Whatever. Here's your pizza."

"Pizza from Madonna? I must be dreaming."

"Look, can you just give me the money?"

"Yes, darling, here." Edina handed her a wad of bank notes. "Can we be friends?"

Madonna handed her the pizza. "I don't even know you," she answered disgustedly.

With that, she disappeared into the light again. Eddie stared after her. Madonna! She'd met Madonna!

"Who was that?" Patsy asked, appearing from out of the midst of trees.

"You'll never believe it, Pats. It was Madonna!"

"You let her go!?"

Without thinking, Eddie and Pats ran through the light and found Madonna getting astride a beautiful purple unicorn.

"Stop!" Eddie yelled, running after her.

Madonna spurred the horse. Wings grew out of the unicorn's side and it flew into the air in a flurry of motion.

"Damn!" Eddie punched the air. "She got away."

"We could go after, Eddie," Patsy suggested.

"How?" Eddie turned and saw that Patsy sat astride a sleek black motorcycle.

"Get on, babe!"

Edina climbed on and held on tight to Patsy's waist as the hog burst into the air.

She watched as underneath them, London zipped by. It was like being on an airplane!

Up ahead, Madonna's Pegasus/unicorn beat its wings furiously trying to put as much distance between them and the motorcycle.

"Faster, Pats," she cried.

"On it, Eds!"

The motorcycle gained speed, coming up on their target.

Madonna turned to look at Eddie and her eyes widened in shock.

"You're not getting away from me, Madge!" Eddie called to her.

"Why won't you just leave me alone? I'm not Madonna!"

"I'm not that dumb, darling. You are Madonna!"

"I'm not!"

Edina stood up and jumped from the motorcycle and landed on the Pegasus/unicorn.

"Go, Eddie!" Patsy cheered.

Eddie crawled up next to Madonna. "Why don't you love me?" she sobbed.

"Leave me alone!"

Madonna shoved with all her might and Eddie flew from the mount. She tumbled through the air at breakneck speed. She could feel the wind tearing at her face and hair, lancing her.

The ground loomed below, growing steadily bigger and bigger.

Edina closed her eyes and braced herself for impact.

"Mrs. Monsoon?"

The voice echoed in her head. Who was speaking to her? Was it God? Had she gone to Heaven again?

Eddie cracked an eye open and groaned. That hurt her head even more.

"Mrs. Moonsoon, I'm Doctor Jones."

"Who?"

"You were brought to hospital."

"Hospital? I survived the fall?"

"Falling off of a stationary Vespa is painful, but hardly deadly."

"Vespa? I fell off a Pegasus/unicorn hybrid."

"A what?"

"I was chasing Madonna. She didn't want to talk to me."

"Perhaps I should check you again for a concussion…"

Eddie waved the doctor off. "Where's Pats?"

"Who?"

"Patsy Stone. My friend."

"She's in the waiting room. I'll let her in to see you as soon as I'm sure you're okay."

The doctor shined a light in Eddie's eyes. The pupils dilated as they should. She moved the light left to right, Eddie's eyes followed it.

Doctor Jones left and a few seconds later, Patsy came in, a lit fag in her mouth. "Eddie, are you okay?" she asked. Her appearance had gone back to normal, thankfully.

"I'm fine, darling. But where did Madonna go?"

"She was never there, Eds."

"What? Of course she was, Pats. You saw her."

"It was the acid, Eddie. We were chasing the pizza delivery girl."

"Oh, shit!" Edina flung herself around on the bed.

"Good news, though. While you were unconscious, I spoke to a lawyer. He said we can sue the bitch who pushed you."

"Can I?"

"£10 mil, at least."

"Well, all right, then darling."

"Shall we go home, Eds? My trip is done. I'm ready to collapse."

Eddie nodded and got out of the hospital bed.

When they finally got home, both women collapsed at the kitchen table. They lit up a fag each and closed their eyes, enjoying the silence.

They heard the door open upstairs, and footfalls on the stairs. "Mum?"

Eddie opened her eyes to see Saffy standing before her, bags at her feet.

"Hello, sweetheart," Eddie said casually, puffing on her fag.

"I'm home." Saffy's voice was sad.

Patsy got up and as she passed Saffy, she hissed before going up the stairs.

"Yes, I can see that, darling. What's the matter with you? Hmmmm? Your bottom lip is dragging the floor?"

Saffy burst into tears. Eddie turned to Patsy in astonishment. "What? What did I say?"

"He left me!" Saffy sobbed.

"Who?"

"John. He said he didn't want to be married to me anymore. He found another wife."

"How many has he got now?"

"Six."

Edina saw the tears streaming down Saffy's cheeks and her maternal instincts kicked in. "It's okay, sweetie."

"No, it's not! I have no job, no husband, no money."

"You can stay here, darling! You can stay in your room; Lola can have Serge's old room. Patsy and I will stay out of your way."

"Jane's staying in Africa. She's enrolled in school. I'm not going to tear her life apart. I'll just go and visit her. Besides, John has custody. I don't have money to fight him."

Edina grinned. "I have money, darling. I have a £10,000,000 settlement coming in. "

"For what?" Saffy eyed her mother curiously.

"I got pushed off a Vespa, darling. The doctor said I have a concussion."

"Are you okay?"

"I'll live, darling. But I'd be absolutely miserable if you didn't bring Lola along."

"Are you sure? You haven't had a small child in the house in years…"

"Sweetie, darling, sweetie…."

"Oh, Mum!"

Saffy threw her arms around her mother. Eddie balked, but didn't resist. Mothers and daughters hugged, didn't they?

"It's all settled then, darling."

"Thanks, Mum."

Eddie smiled. Patsy was going to be cross with her, but her daughter needed her, and she couldn't say no. Eddie sat down and lit up a fag. Life was pretty good.


End file.
